


Doctor Faust? Lovely.

by Siddharth_the_16th



Category: Faust - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-11-26 07:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18177761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siddharth_the_16th/pseuds/Siddharth_the_16th
Summary: A crossover between Faust and Lucifer, very, VERY loosely based on Goethe's dialogue... so it's basically a dialogue. And an experiment, I guess. May be continued.





	1. The Study

“Why, hello there! Doctor Faust, I presume?”

“You were the dog!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The black dog I brought home earlier today. You were the dog.”

“I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Nevermind. What’s your name?”

“Seriously? _You_ summoned _me_.”

“Well, then, I’ll just call you Lord of the Flies—”

“Wait-wait-wait. It’s Lucifer. Morningstar.”

“Nice to meet you. So, Lucifer, what do you do?”

“I say, you _are_ funny. Were you reading an erotic poem backwards and summoned me by accident? These things have been known to happen, so I’ll understand.”

“Answer the question, demon!”

“Ooh, feisty, aren’t we, Doctor? That actually hurt. Let’s say that I’m part of the force that strives for evil but does a lot of good on the way. Does it make any sense?”

“Not really.”

“Well, I always tell the truth, so it’s true.”

“I still don’t get it. Part of what force? Why all the obscure drama?”

“How can I put this… There are two sides to the force that’s out there.”

“Tell me something I _don’t_ know.”

“Oh dear. You humans are positively hilarious. You think your world is so big, don’t you? Well, it isn’t. You’re just a teeny-tiny lump of dirt in a vast Universe. I cannot for the life of me understand why He likes you so much and how He doesn’t get bored with you. Frankly speaking, I often wish your planet were gone and _you_ were all gone. Less work for me that way.”

“But you can’t kill us _all_ , right?”

“I can kill _none_ of you, actually.”

“Then you’re wasting your time. Have you thought about wishing something _else_  was gone? Something actually _destroyable_?”

“Now that’s a fresh idea. I’ll think about it. Thank you, Doctor. See you later. Bye!”

“Wait! You can’t leave. There’s a pentagram on the floor!”

“A pent—You can’t possibly be serious! It’s not even complete, there’s a corner missing. I’m almost disappointed.”

“Don’t go. I want something from you.”

“ _Now_ you’re talking. Go on.”

“I want to make a pact.”

“Ah! You want a deal!”

“I do.”

“Are you absolutely sure?”

“Positive.”

“Tell me more.”

“I’m bored. I’m depressed. I can’t work, I can’t sleep, I just want to die.”

“So why didn’t you kill yourself last night? You almost drank that poison.”

“Wait, how do you—Were you spying on me?”

“That’s a very crude way of putting it, but yes.”

“Damn it. I don’t know why I didn’t do it. I honestly hate life and everything that comes with it.”

“So, Doctor. Tell me. There must be something that’s keeping you here. What do you truly desire?”

“I…”

“Yes”?

“Knowledge. I want to know all there is to know.”

“Lovely. I might be able to offer some help.”

“And what do you want in return?”

“A favour, to be named at a later time.”

“No, this won’t do. I want to know the terms and conditions before I agree to anything.”

“Righty-o. I need you to go to Hell after you die.”

“Isn’t that kind of _implied_?”

“It’s… complicated. Oh, and before I forget. I'll need a safeword.”

“A what?”

“Ah. You’ll learn, Doctor. You’ll learn.”

“Actually, I doubt there’s anything you _can_ teach me. I’ve seen it all. That’s the reason I don’t want to live in the first place.”

“You’re even more hilarious than I thought. You’ve seen so little, but you’re so sure there’s nothing left to learn – or to enjoy, for that matter.”

“Okay, then, here’s your safeword. If at any point I say, “I don’t want this to end” or anything along these lines, you may take my soul immediately.”

“Ugh. I don’t need your soul. What would I do with it?”

“But… What’s in it for you?”

“I want to win, Doctor.”

“Win what?”

“My wager with dear old Dad. He insists you’ll go to the Silver City. I happen to believe that your place is down below, and given enough time, you’ll get there.”

“I see. Whatever, I don’t care. Shall we draw up the contract?”

“What cont—Yes, of course, the contract! In two copies, no less! Signed with your own blood!”

“Naturally.”

“Are you serious? I was so obviously joking! I don’t need your bl—Ew. All right, as you wish.”

“I just feel it should be tangible, you know.”

“As I’ve already said, ew.”

“So, now I’ll live as long as I’m not happy?”

“That’s the gist, yes.”

“Nice. I’ll live forever and I’ll finally know everything.”

“Forever? Have I told you that you're hilarious? Also, _no one_ knows everything, not even me. Well, Dad does, but He never talks to anyone anymore. It’s incredibly annoying, you can’t imagine.”

“If He never talks to anyone, how did you two have a wager?”

“Huh? Um… You know what, Doctor? There’s precious little time, so why don’t you go get dressed.”

“I’ll live forever, so there’s plenty of time.”

“Bloody hell! I give up. Go get dressed, Doctor. We’re leaving.”


	2. The Cave

“Doctor, this cave is absolutely appalling. Where do you wash yourself? Oh, that’s right, silly me. You don’t. Look at yourself! You stink.”

“Don’t you have anything else to do? Leave me alone, demon.”

“For the umpteenth time, I’m not a _demon_. Please stop calling me a demon.”

“Go away!”

“And leave you to rot in this depressing forest all alone? When was the last time you ate?”

“You don’t understand. This is a _very_ spiritual place. I’ve been reborn.”

“But of course I understand, Doctor! There’s nothing like wanking on a cold damp stone under the stars to make you feel a truly supreme being. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“What, you don’t wank? I know, I know; true wankers seldom do, and that’s the greatest paradox of Nature.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Lovely. You know what, I _won’t_ shut up. She wants you. You want her. What’s your problem?”

“It’s not real. You _made_ this happen. You and your jewels!”

“Everyone has their price, Doctor.”

“And your lies.”

“My li—I _never_ lie!”

“But you never tell the truth either.”

“That man _is_ dead.”

“But I never even saw him. I know nothing about him!”

“You also know nothing about the Sun and the stars, but that’s never stopped you from lecturing on celestial mechanics.”

“That’s sophistry.”

“No, my dear Doctor, that’s the truth. You know much more about that poor sod than you do about any of the topics you’ve ever lectured on.”

“And that’s just mean.”

“And I’m sorry, but as you know…”

“You never lie.”

“I never lie.”

“Still, you made me testify to watching him die!”

“Excuse me? I _made_ you? Would you care to explain _how_ I made you testify? Did I threaten you in any way? Did I drag you into that garden by force? Did I drug you?”

“You _did_ drug me.”

“I gave you a potion that brought your libido back from the dead. Oh, the horror!”

“I still feel manipulated. Tell me, why did you take me to that shithole in Leipzig?”

“It’s called ‘having fun’, Doctor. Apparently, I was gravely mistaken, and you have no idea what fun is. You did like the witch, though, didn’t you?”

“I’m not sure. Too many animals, too much howling.”

“Right. Not too sanitary…”

“And what’s the deal with “the Baron”?”

“So you _were_ listening! Good!”

“Do you really walk around calling yourself “the Baron”? The Baron of what?”

“Oh come on, Doctor. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision.”

“Anything but “Satan”, eh?”

“Ugh. I don’t want to have anything to do with _that_ title.”

“I thought it was one of your names. Like Lord of the—”

“Fun fact: it wasn’t. See, Doctor? You _need_ me and my nuggets of knowledge. Where would you be without me?”

“Probably dead.”

“My point exactly! And yet, here you are, madly in love.”

“Stop pushing me. She’s an innocent flower.”

“Inno—Please, Doctor. She’s a woman, you’re a man. Shall I tell you about the birds and the bees?”

“I just don’t want to feel all this... lust.”

“So don’t shag her, then, and it’ll go away! Why does everything have to be so grave and momentous with you? It’s very simple. Do, or do not. Make up your mind. And please, _please_ leave this abominable cave.”

“You’re tempting me again, you foul creature.”

“Are you serious? _You’re_ thinking with your penis, but _I’m_ to blame?”

“ _You_ gave me that potion.”

“ _You_ wanted infinite knowledge and new experiences!”

“Okay, fine, you win. I’ll sleep with her.”

“Bloody hell. Have you been listening to me at all? I’ve never said you should—”

“You told me to make up my mind. I have. I’ll go to her right now.”

“Oh no, you won’t. Not before you take a good long bath and put on something remotely decent.”

“And if she follows me to Hell, so be it!”

“Let me remind you, Doctor, that you’re talking about good old consensual sex. It’s not a life-changing decision. All right, all right, I give up. Go get dressed. We’re leaving.”


	3. The Mountains

“I _did_ hear a voice, you know.”

“Ah! Are we on speaking terms again, Doctor?”

“She’s in Paradise now, so I forgive you.”

“How magnanimous of you! Now, pray tell what have you forgiven me for?”

“All of it.”

“Lovely. Care to enlighten me? What exactly did I do wrong?”

“You didn’t let me save her, for one.”

“Please, Doctor, remind me. How many times had she refused to go with you even _before_ I appeared?”

“I don’t know. A couple?”

“Eleven. Eleven times, Doctor.”

“We were getting there.”

“Of course you were. Twelve's the charm. Or thirteen, perhaps. Or fourteen. But more importantly, do you really think escaping from prison would have saved her?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. She _has_ been saved; she’s in Paradise.”

“Oh, no, Doctor. She’s in Hell.”

“But the voice said she was saved!”

“Once again: there was no voice. In fact, hearing voices is usually not a good sign.”

“So, she’s in Hell.”

“Have I ever lied to you?”

“But she was so pure!”

“Wake up, Doctor! Matricide, infanticide, overwhelming guilt! In what universe is that “pure”?”

“I didn’t even know she had a baby. She never told me. Why didn’t she tell me?”

“Oh, I don’t know! Because you left her without even saying goodbye?”

“I had to! I’d killed her brother!”

“Why, aren’t you a paragon of virtue!”

“He smashed your guitar over your head!”

“And you stabbed him from under my arm.”

“It’s not my fault! I panicked!”

“You don’t say!”

“ _You_ let me have “good old consensual sex” with her, and look what happened!”

“How on earth was I supposed to know that you would get her up the duff? You’re a doctor, Doctor! There are lime halves, calves' intestines—”

“She was very religious, and you know it!”

“Counting days and coitus interruptus, then! Can you imagine how many girls _I’ve_ shagged since Creation? Not a single one got pregnant!”

“Wouldn’t it cause a global scale disaster or something?”

“A global—What utter nonsense!”

“Maybe you’re just infertile, then.”

“Oh. _Oh..._ Well, apparently _you_ ’re not.”

“You bet I’m not! The thing is, _you_ pushed me to do it, and now she’s dead.”

“She wasn’t the only one, you know.”

“Is it supposed to make me feel any better?”

“No, it’s supposed to make you _think_. Do you honestly believe that I am behind _all_  such stories?”

“I have no idea! _Are_ you?”

“I most certainly am not!”

“Well, you were behind _this_ one. What’s your point?”

“My point is, Doctor, that maybe you’re ever so slightly responsible for the death of four people, one of whom you _actually_ killed?”

“What’s with the red eyes? Calm down! Aren’t you happy? I _am_ going to Hell!”

“A devil can hope. And no, I’m much less thrilled than I expected.”

“Well, at least the scenery fits both our current moods.”

“Yes, you do have a talent for choosing the most horrid landscapes.”

“What, aren’t you going to tell me some creepy long-winded story about how these rocks came to be?”

“Why would I? They’re just rocks. What are we doing here anyway?”

“I need to think.”

“About?”

“I had this dream about me having a wife and, you know, a son.”

“Ooh! A guilt trip, Doctor?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. The boy was such an idiot. In the end, he went and jumped off a cliff. I woke up thinking that maybe I’m not family material after all.”

“Or a people person, for that matter.”

“So I’ve decided to become famous instead. You know, to do something with my vast knowledge.”

“Well, off the top of my head, you could always help people build dykes up north. They’ll be naming their streets after you for centuries.”

“I told you not to be ridiculous. Levees! Up north! Do you know me at all?”

“That’s the question I keep asking myself all the time, Doctor.”

“I’m a scholar. I’ll write books. Travel guides, in fact. The economy’s booming, people go sightseeing in droves.”

“Travel guides.”

“Oh, stop looking at me like that, demon.”

“I’m not a—Do you really think I’m infertile?”

“Well, those contraception methods aren’t very reliable, and given the sheer amount of women—”

“I’m almost tempted to test your hypothesis, Doctor.”

“I’d rather you didn’t. Just in case.”

“Bloody hell. What are you so afraid of?”

“Nevermind. You know what, you’re right. These rocks _are_ horrid. Come on. We’re leaving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the most difficult chapter to write! One more to go.


	4. The Courtyard

“Great news, Doctor! Oh. What’s wrong?”

“I can’t see.”

“Yes, I can see that. Sorry, I—I mean, why? What’s happened?”

“I don’t know! I woke up blind this morning, and that was it!”

“No prior symptoms? You didn’t hit your head yesterday, by any chance?”

“No! I went to bed, and I woke up blind! Although…”

“Yes?”

“I had a weird dream. Four women came to me, and their names were Want, Guilt, Care and Necessity.”

“Ah. Your famous imagination once again. Or _infamous,_ to be—”

“No, listen. Three of them left, but Care stayed behind.”

“And you two got naughty? Tell me you got naughty.”

“No! She said a lot of gibberish, told me I was blind and spat me in the eyes.”

“Your way with women never ceases to amaze me.”

“Idiot! She told me I was blind and I woke up blind!”

“Ah. So you _seriously_ think that a woman from your dream made you blind.”

“Either that, or it's one hell of a coincidence!”

“Tell me... Have you heard any more voices lately?”

“It isn’t funny!”

“Isn’t it, though? Incidentally, congratulations!”

“On what?”

“On the choice of your last occupation, naturally. Imagine building dykes while blind. With books, you can always hire a scribe.”

“My _last_ occupation?”

“I’m sorry, Doctor. I meant _latest_ , of course.”

“Don’t you dare lie to me! What’s going on?”

“I haven’t the slightest. I’m the Devil, not a—”

“Why am I blind?”

“Old age, perhaps?”

“But I’m immortal! You promised!”

“And for all I know, you may well live for another hundred years.”

“Blind.”

“Blind, yes. That’s not the _worst_ that can happen.”

“Are you about to bring up your infertility?”

“See? Oh, my bad again. I mean, apparently, your charming _personality_ didn’t disappear along with your eyesight.”

“Keep dreaming. You said you brought ‘great news’. What is it?”

“Ah! Your _latest_ book, Doctor. Fresh from Plantin’s typography.”

“Give it to me. Yes. Feels so much better than ink on vellum. That’s what we humans call progress! How many can he print per week?”

“As many as you pay him for.”

“Do you know what it means, demon?”

“I’m not—Nevermind. _What_ does it mean?”

“It means I’ll be world-famous and rich! Ooh, I want this moment to last forever!”

“Oops.”

“Wha—Oops.”

“So, Doctor, tell me. Are you happy with the life you had?”

“I'd say I am. I guess, _thank you_?”

“What, no regrets?”

“Well, I do wish I had someone to pass my knowledge onto. But a lot of it is in my books, so—”

“What about that poor girl?”

“She made her choice.”

“Her brother?”

“Couldn’t be avoided.”

“The old couple you relocated against their will?”

“Their shack blocked my view. I offered them a new cottage house, and they should have taken it.”

“In other words, no guilt?”

“None whatsoever.”

“But—And you’re dead. Lovely.”

“Hey, Lu.”

“Azrael, no. Please, give me ten minutes.”

“Sorry, Lu.”

“Five. All right, one. One minute!”

“He’s dead.”

“It’s not fair! I worked so hard!”

“Why did you spend so much time on him anyway?”

“That’s the question, isn’t it?”

“Admit it. You like it here on Earth. You simply used him as a pretext.”

“And now the bastard gets to go to the Silver City, while I—Ugh! Why didn’t he feel guilty?”

“You said it yourself, Lu. He was a bastard.”

“And I lost my bet.”

“There was no bet, and you know it. Please, Lu. Just forget about him.”

“Of course. Don’t mind me. I’ll just let you do your job so that you both can leave and join our brothers up there for dinner.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t make it harder than it is. You know I love you. Smell you later, Lu.”

“From now on, no long-term involvements with humans. Light and casual only. And if I ever decide—oh, she’s left. There goes my speech. Bloody hell. I guess I should tell somebody he’s dead. On the other hand, I could just leave him here and let him rot until someone finds him. Yes, I’m _that_ petty, Dad. Well, have fun with your guest of honour. I got to _say_ the final word, but I didn't get to _have_ it. As always, I guess. Oh well. And that concludes my monologue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it!


End file.
